A lot has changed over the past few weeks.
I can now say that I wake up every morning happy and excited to see what new things life has in store for me that day (good or bad). I’m no longer depressed or wishing I would just die every day. I stopped feeling sorry for myself for everything horrible that has happened to me or because of me over the past 3 years. I also stopped fearing about what other horrible things may come to happen in the future because I’ve gone through 3 years of hell and every time I fell, I got back up. I now know that I can overcome ANYTHING. I thought I lost my strength over the years, only to discover that the reason I’m still here is because I never lost it.
I’ve been learning about forgiveness. How to forgive others and myself. I’m doing really well with it and I’m amazed at how wonderful forgiveness is. It’s a good feeling to forgive someone for hurting you for something when they have no intention of ever asking for forgiveness. To finally let that go is like a huge stone lifted from the heart.
I’ve also been putting myself first for once. Taking care of me. Doing what I need to do in order to live a happy life. For example, missing a friend’s birthday party because I know people will be drinking there and not putting myself in that position because I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic. Yes, they might be upset I missed it but I know if they are a good friend, they will understand. I know I may hurt people’s feelings going down this road and hope most are willing to understand that I have no intentions of purposely hurting anyone. And hope that they love me enough to be happy for me and want the best for me.
I’m trying to stop caring about what people think about me. I worry about it so much. But why? I’m going to do what makes me happy and if they don’t like it, then fuck them. That’s what I say now. This is my life and I’m going to live it carefree of what others think about me.
Also, I’m working on not judging others. Who am I to judge someone on what they are wearing or how they are doing something? Because I would be judging them on my opinions of what I think is right or wrong from my knowledge or lack of knowledge. And I nor anyone else knows what is right or what is wrong. We are all flawed and people with flaws have no right to judge other people’s flaws. Of course this is all easier said then done because we live in a world were we judge people when interviewing them for a job, ect….
1 Samuel 16:7
“Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others will treat you as you treat them. Whatever measure you use in judging others, it will be used to measure how you are judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, `Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eye, then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.”
I don’t sleep past noon anymore. I’m get up anytime between 7-10am which is amazing if you know me. I realized that I have the same energy in the morning if I sleep 2 hours or 20 because I never fully go into a deep restful sleep. This is something I’ll bring up to my doctor in the future but for now, I’m fine with the way it is.
I take everything one day at a time. I no longer live in the past or future. Just in the moment. And it feels wonderful!
I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. But I know that I can better myself for me and everyone around me.
